The Animal

I had joined OkCupid and mostly ignored it due to the near constant barrage of messages prepositioning me for sex, most without even so much as a 'hello'.

I, drunk one night decided to browse my 'matches' after receiving an email notification someone had 'liked' me. No-one peaked my interest until I came across this hipster lumberjack looking chap. This 32 year olds profile was the most awful self righteous crap I had ever read. We're talking "My dream is to move to Guatemala and own an organic avocado farm" type bullshit. But he was beautiful, chiselled cheekbones that could cut glass. A classic stylish hair cut and a well groomed beard.

I messaged him not expecting a reply and almost instantly he replies. No instant preposition for sex but a polite introduction with his name and complimenting my unique style (apparently Philly has never seen green hair on a woman before and I became quite the style sensation, move over Anna Wintour!) Anyway I digress. We chat through the messaging app for a few hours and decide to swap numbers. He texts frequently, always interested in my day and as this progressed over the week the conversation turned sexual. 

He was dominant and looking for a submissive brat to have a relationship with, which fit me perfectly. Sexting happens and he is wonderfully articulate and this stirs my loins. After my Tinder date I had to admit I was becoming horny AF and wanting release that the usual self servicing methods could not provide. Shock horror, women get horny and want sex too, outrageous I know! Nudes are swapped and he says he is busy with work and out of state for a few days but wants to see me when he returns.

11pm one night I receive a text, "Hey babe, I got back early. Wanna come over and smoke?" It turns out he lived in North East Philly which would have been a $30 cab ride. I was hesitant but he said he was close to the El (elevated subway line that runs east-west in the city) This I was not so keen on as the El is a little sketchy at night and I would have to rush to get the last one and switch subway lines which I had not yet done. I end up thinking "Fuck it, you only live once" and I agree and set off, he tells me which stop to get off at and it turns out he lives super close to one of my favourite bars.

He shows up and has clearly lied about his height. I am 5"0 and this guy was maybe an inch taller than me. Good job I hadn't worn heels. This didn't bother me though, we arrive at his place and it is a really nice house. Now I should point out he said he worked as an animal trainer for a living and had many exotic animals around the house as well as two overweight blind cats. Not gonna lie, the cats did kinda swing me going over. 

I figure his job would turn out to be a fabricated lie to seem more interesting and he secretly worked in IT or banking or some other generic profession. Oh boy I was wrong. His house is full of fur and feathered friends. I was greeted with a stunning blue macaw which literally greeted me with a squawk "Hello". Impressive. He tells me he loves British comedy and satire and asks if I can recommend something to watch. We settle on the drugs episode of 'Brasseye' which I feel is ironic as we were going to smoke weed.

We smoke a couple and cuddle up and he seems impressed with my choice of televisual entertainment. His hands wander and I admit it is little awkward with Chris Morris in the background and being a little high. We get the giggles and stop to smoke a little more and the episode finishes and he wants to show me his menagerie (not a euphemism) so off we go to see his weird and wonderful zoo. There are sugar gliders, parrots, rats, it's some sort of mammalian refuge. I ask what his job actually entails as he seems to have a lot of rare and not typically pet type animals and he says he goes round schools educating the kids on them. I was more impressed I got to sit and play with a raccoon if I am honest. 

Back downstairs and he wants to smoke more, I decline as I am pretty high and didn't want to feel nauseous but we cuddle up again while he smokes and I play with the two overweight and overly affectionate kitties. I notice he hasn't moved his hands for a while and has been pretty quiet, me being so engrossed in the cats I had ceased to notice he had passed the fuck out. I was stuck in this guys house while he regained himself, he had smoked way more than I thought. I found myself being annoyed that once again I had failed at getting any kind of sexual gratification. He awoke about an hour later and offered to drive me home which I declined but instead he paid for my cab home. 

When I got back I was beginning to think I was cursed, this guy had talked a big game. I did find it funny though, the irony of him making out to be this ravenous dominant Daddy and he ended up pulling up the most Dad move and passing out. That ladies and gentlemen (and non binary folk) was my experience of 'The Animal'.

I shit you not I have many more anecdotes to share with you, please if you like reading give me feedback and share with folk who might appreciate a giggle at my expense! Up next is "50 shades (of fucked up)...

The Tinder date

Ah, Tinder. I don't know why I used it. I wanted to meet new people my own age I guess. I loved LL (landlord) and going drinking with him in the gaybourhood. Philly's gay district. I met some amazing people and this is where I got into most of my adventures. 

I matched with 'NJB' (nice Jewish boy) a 24 year old Temple U grad and we began chatting. he was cute, blonde and athletic. We had a lot in common but we were mostly interested in each others cultures. He had never dated a Brit and I had never dated an American.

We arranged to meet on Broad and Walnut and go get a drink somewhere, I was nervous as hell. I had only been in Philly a few months but I spent a lot of my time wandering around getting to know the city so there were a few bars I had wanted to go to.

I spot him and he walks over to me introduces himself and kisses me on the cheek. He comments I look exactly like my profile photo unlike other girls he had met.

We decide to go to the aptly named 'Misconduct tavern' and get a cocktail, he pays. We get on really well. He seems interested in me and what I have to say and we shared a common love for video games. We drink up and he suggests getting food and going to his to watch a movie or play some games. I am hesitant although I prepared myself for an amorous encounter when getting ready. He lives not far away and I agree. We stop off at a gourmet pizza truck and grab a bite. 

We eat and head to his room and make out a bit. He cannot keep his hands of me and it is nice to feel so desired. Cut to the chase. We end up naked and fumbling around. He leans in and whispers "want to see my gun?" I am a little phased by this unsure if he means his dick or not. He does not. He gets up (completely naked) and walks over to this closet and pulls out a fucking Smith & Wesson hand gun. A fucking gun! A real life, capable of murder weapon of death. My expression is clear and he asks if I have ever held one before and I reply that the UK is a sensible country and we don't just let anyone have a gun...

He seems shocked by this and places it in my hands. It's cold and a lot heavier than I expect it. He then tells me to be careful as it's loaded (?!?) I am shocked but also super intrigued. We go into his back yard (he is still naked) and asks if I want to fire it, I do. I get this rush of adrenaline and also weirdly turned on. We head back upstairs and I am presented with one of the most aesthetically pleasing penises of my life. I end up blowing him and we fumble around a little more. it's getting late and I don't want to stay over but how do you leave someone who has a gun?! I mean I was a little scared I'd end up in some crazy hostage situation. Stranger things have happened...

In the end he turns out to be a perfect gentleman, walking me to the subway and even offering to pay. He even text when I got in to say he had enjoyed my company and wished to see me again. I was a little apprehensive but for my first foray into the American dating pool it was certainly a memorable one.

So that is the story of NJB (nice Jewish boy) and his gun.

A beginning

Lets start this where all stories begin; the beginning. It's August 30th 2014. I am (unhappily) married. That's not what this is about. it's about the man I met that changed it all. 

A normal night out I thought, nothing new here. Had a dance and a few drinks with friends. Then I saw him; I don't know why I was so drawn to him. It was like a bullet to the brain (in the long run this would have been way kinder) CS (common sense; what I have dubbed my best friend) notices me staring wide eyed and almost drooling at him. I am transfixed. All rationale and sense leaves me as I walk over to him as he chats with a mutual friend (my in to the conversation) I introduce myself and he looks me up and down. I smile that smile (the I want you smile)...

I should mention at this point I had previously worked as a professional domme. I made men feel weak and pathetic and relished in my control over them. This became irrelevant when I spoke to him, I felt I had no control of him. I kept up the bravado and he joked he would 'break the domme'. How right he was.

...Back to the story. We chat and he offers to buy me a drink, we drink the same thing. Vodka lemonade. The chemistry between is palpable. We dance, Billy Idol 'Rebel Yell' comes on. The line 'she cries more, more, more' causes him to grin this salacious, predatory grin. We conversed more and I told him I was married etc. "It's ok" he replies. "So am I, though I am separated. She lives in Philadelphia with my kids"... I was shocked at this revelation. I wanted him for myself. I wanted to devour everything about him. In my eyes and in my drunken haze he was perfect.

The night begins to close down and invited to an after party he says he will meet me there as he is going to pick up some weed. I don't like this idea of him leaving as I think he won't show and I didn't want to leave his side. Somehow I end up going with him. To this dingy place where he sometimes sleeps to escape his mother and people in general. I had drank a LOT by this point and needed to be sick. By God I was, congealed Jagermeister flowed from my mouth like the fires of hell but clarity came back to me and I began to panic. "Where the fuck am I and what am I doing with this man?!" I screamed to myself. But as he gave me water and rubbed my back all that original feeling came flooding back. I ate some gum and sheepishly apologised. We smoked a couple of joints and he said he we weren't going back to this party, he was going to look after me. I said "Okay."

We arrive at his place in an affluent area of Sheffield. He lives with his mother who is away for work. He runs me a bath with candles and I begin to wonder if he was gay. No man had ever done this for me and it seemed a bit much just to get me into bed. I bathed and returned to his room and we chatted and smoked more. I told him nothing would happen until I was sure I could be completely responsible for my actions. He puts on an album by 'The Knife' and Iament it reminds me of my uni days. Our eyes meet and we kiss. All sense of guilt I expect to feel never materialises only pure lust. It was some of the most passionate sex I ever had. 

The next morning I had to go home but he promised he would call and wanted to see me again. I prayed he would but wished in hindsight he never did. This carries on illicitly for a month or so before I tell my husband and we split. Husband moves out and he moves in. He asks me to come with him to Philly in October. I think it's too rash but don't want him to go without me as I know i'd never see him again, and that scared me. I had fallen irrevocably in love. He agrees to stay until December to test the relationship and give me time to sort out my affairs (hah) before moving to another continent to start a new life.

We book tickets for the 10th December 2014 To New York JFK with a hotel overnight and a bus to Philly the following day; where he would go see his kids and we would go meet a potential landlord I had spoken to on Craigslist. I was nervous as hell having nowhere to live before heading out but I had faith he would look after me.

We get to Philly and I sense a change in him almost immediately. He wasn't carefree anymore and began to drink heavily. We ended up moving in with the guy from Craigslist and his nine cats. We clicked instantly. I could tell he didn't approve of Jonny but he loved me and since I would be around more took a chance on me. 

Everything was perfect until around the end of January when he drops the 'I need space' bomb. I panicked. New country where I didn't know many people... I prayed he was just adjusting to having a girlfriend and looking after his kids and was stressed. He stopped staying over and the sex stopped. One day he just never came home. He vanished. He became 'DC (dream crusher).

My mother when she was alive often imparted useless wisdom. I decided to take her philosophy of 'The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else' that is what I did and this is what will follow in future posts. Names and places will be changed.

DC broke my heart. I still love him. I think I always will. I miss him and wish him well, we had such a connection because we were so similar and one day I hope we can reconnect as friends. What follows is a collection of escapades from my adventures in America; the land of opportunity.