The Animal

I had joined OkCupid and mostly ignored it due to the near constant barrage of messages prepositioning me for sex, most without even so much as a 'hello'.

I, drunk one night decided to browse my 'matches' after receiving an email notification someone had 'liked' me. No-one peaked my interest until I came across this hipster lumberjack looking chap. This 32 year olds profile was the most awful self righteous crap I had ever read. We're talking "My dream is to move to Guatemala and own an organic avocado farm" type bullshit. But he was beautiful, chiselled cheekbones that could cut glass. A classic stylish hair cut and a well groomed beard.

I messaged him not expecting a reply and almost instantly he replies. No instant preposition for sex but a polite introduction with his name and complimenting my unique style (apparently Philly has never seen green hair on a woman before and I became quite the style sensation, move over Anna Wintour!) Anyway I digress. We chat through the messaging app for a few hours and decide to swap numbers. He texts frequently, always interested in my day and as this progressed over the week the conversation turned sexual. 

He was dominant and looking for a submissive brat to have a relationship with, which fit me perfectly. Sexting happens and he is wonderfully articulate and this stirs my loins. After my Tinder date I had to admit I was becoming horny AF and wanting release that the usual self servicing methods could not provide. Shock horror, women get horny and want sex too, outrageous I know! Nudes are swapped and he says he is busy with work and out of state for a few days but wants to see me when he returns.

11pm one night I receive a text, "Hey babe, I got back early. Wanna come over and smoke?" It turns out he lived in North East Philly which would have been a $30 cab ride. I was hesitant but he said he was close to the El (elevated subway line that runs east-west in the city) This I was not so keen on as the El is a little sketchy at night and I would have to rush to get the last one and switch subway lines which I had not yet done. I end up thinking "Fuck it, you only live once" and I agree and set off, he tells me which stop to get off at and it turns out he lives super close to one of my favourite bars.

He shows up and has clearly lied about his height. I am 5"0 and this guy was maybe an inch taller than me. Good job I hadn't worn heels. This didn't bother me though, we arrive at his place and it is a really nice house. Now I should point out he said he worked as an animal trainer for a living and had many exotic animals around the house as well as two overweight blind cats. Not gonna lie, the cats did kinda swing me going over. 

I figure his job would turn out to be a fabricated lie to seem more interesting and he secretly worked in IT or banking or some other generic profession. Oh boy I was wrong. His house is full of fur and feathered friends. I was greeted with a stunning blue macaw which literally greeted me with a squawk "Hello". Impressive. He tells me he loves British comedy and satire and asks if I can recommend something to watch. We settle on the drugs episode of 'Brasseye' which I feel is ironic as we were going to smoke weed.

We smoke a couple and cuddle up and he seems impressed with my choice of televisual entertainment. His hands wander and I admit it is little awkward with Chris Morris in the background and being a little high. We get the giggles and stop to smoke a little more and the episode finishes and he wants to show me his menagerie (not a euphemism) so off we go to see his weird and wonderful zoo. There are sugar gliders, parrots, rats, it's some sort of mammalian refuge. I ask what his job actually entails as he seems to have a lot of rare and not typically pet type animals and he says he goes round schools educating the kids on them. I was more impressed I got to sit and play with a raccoon if I am honest. 

Back downstairs and he wants to smoke more, I decline as I am pretty high and didn't want to feel nauseous but we cuddle up again while he smokes and I play with the two overweight and overly affectionate kitties. I notice he hasn't moved his hands for a while and has been pretty quiet, me being so engrossed in the cats I had ceased to notice he had passed the fuck out. I was stuck in this guys house while he regained himself, he had smoked way more than I thought. I found myself being annoyed that once again I had failed at getting any kind of sexual gratification. He awoke about an hour later and offered to drive me home which I declined but instead he paid for my cab home. 

When I got back I was beginning to think I was cursed, this guy had talked a big game. I did find it funny though, the irony of him making out to be this ravenous dominant Daddy and he ended up pulling up the most Dad move and passing out. That ladies and gentlemen (and non binary folk) was my experience of 'The Animal'.

I shit you not I have many more anecdotes to share with you, please if you like reading give me feedback and share with folk who might appreciate a giggle at my expense! Up next is "50 shades (of fucked up)...